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PG :: Parental Guidance

Welcome to "Parental Guidance".  This area of the Embrace Cherokee website will provide links to general information on parenting tips and strategies.

If you have something you would like to share on this site, please contact us!

PG :: QT - Quick Tips

Need some quick parenting tips that you can read in under a minute?  Click here for our PG :: QT - Quick Tips.  Hope this helps you all a lot.

PG :: Your Child's Autonomy

The Key to Increasing Your Child’s Autonomy Wisely (And the 4 Little Questions You Should Always Ask)

Remember, with every increase in autonomy for your child, there should be an increase in responsibility and accountability. For instance, let's say your child wants to stay up till nine o'clock at night instead of eight o'clock. You decide that staying up an hour later isn't going to interfere with your child’s need for sleep and that he’s old enough to handle the later bedtime. So you both reach a compromise of 8:30 p.m. to see how that goes.

Most parents will think the case is closed at this point—but if you leave it there, I don't believe you've done enough to teach your kid how to solve problems. You need to make clear to your child how you expect increased responsibility with increased autonomy. So I think the end of any conversation that centers around a change or an increase in power has to include these four questions:

1. How will we know it's working?

We'll know staying up later is working if you still get up on time in the morning.

2. How do we know it's not working?

If you have a hard time getting up on time and don’t have energy during the day.

3. What will we do if it's not working?

We'll go back to the old time, 8:00 p.m.

4. What will we do if it is working?

We'll continue with this new bedtime.  

Those four questions are really important, because what they say is, “If you want to stay up later, how will we know that it's okay? Because you'll still meet your responsibilities.” What's the accountability piece? “What are we going to do if it's not working? We're going to return to the earlier time.”

By the way, if it’s not working, parents should not give a consequence. Just say, “It’s not working because you’ve had a hard time getting up. No hard feelings. We'll try it again in 30 days.” The chance to increase autonomy doesn't stop forever for your child, so he or she is still able to earn more independence later. You can say, “We're going back to bedtime at eight o'clock and then in 30 days, let's sit down and talk about it again. Meanwhile in those 30 days, get your rest, practice what you need to do and then we'll take another shot at it.”

That's how negotiations are supposed to go. They are carried out through the use of proposals, compromises and ways of measuring outcomes to make sure everyone is doing what they agreed to do. Understand that all these gradual gains in power for your child are really rungs on a ladder that leads to independent functioning, or adulthood. And what you want your child to know at the top of the ladder is how to solve social problems and functional problems, how to get along with other people and how to live the right values.

So remember, even though it’s quite possibly the most difficult balance we have to maintain as a parent, we don't want power struggles to go away. We don't want limits and limit testing to go away. Rather, it's the way kids push that's important. Think of it this way: If children don’t get engaged in power struggles with their parents, they won’t learn how to advocate for themselves later in life. So what we want to focus on are the techniques they should use. And the appropriate techniques are ways to say, “Mom, I don’t like this, can we talk about it?” Or “Dad, I don't think you understand what I mean, can we talk about it?”

Obviously, the expectation is for parents to be willing to sit down with their kids and talk about it. Nothing ensures a power struggle like your child’s belief that he can’t talk to you reasonably about something. I think when times are good, it’s important for parents to sit down with children and say, “When you don’t agree with me, this is how we should handle it.” Invite them to talk to you about it. At the end of that conversation remember to say, “Whatever decision is reached, it’s going to have to be acceptable. I’m not going to keep arguing with you. I’m just going to walk away.”

This is a good way for you to establish the ground rules around challenges to your authority, and to make sure that those challenges are appropriate. Plainly and simply, if your child doesn't push boundaries or tests limits, they won't be adept at living in the adult world. They won't develop the problem solving skills of negotiation, compromise and sacrifice in a way that empowers them and prepares them to solve real life problems. And I believe that’s one of our main goals as parents—to empower our kids appropriately so they’re able to navigate independently in the adult world.

PG :: The 6 Needs

Psychologist, Dr. Bruce Naramore states in his excellent book, Parenting Teens, that teenagers have six basic needs which need to be fulfilled during adolescence in order to become healthy, well-adjusted adults. They are:

1. Develop their distinct identity and a sense of their uniqueness.

2. Progressively separate themselves from their childhood dependency on their parents.

3. Develop meaningful relationships with peers and others outside the family.

4. Develop their capacity to relate well to the opposite sex.

5. Gain the confidence and skills to prepare for a career, economic independency, and other adult responsibilities.

6. Fashion their faith and value commitments and basic attitude toward life.

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